


Don’t say it…(The Forbidden words)

by Paradigmenwechsel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean's fear of Emotional Connections, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:21:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29451462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradigmenwechsel/pseuds/Paradigmenwechsel
Summary: Dean knows, always has, that maybe Cas....does feels something more. But the Angel, he of all, is the One Dean just can't lose, no matter what...It isn't denial, it is incredible fear...
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 7





	Don’t say it…(The Forbidden words)

Don’t say it…(The Forbidden words) SPN FF

Dean had been pissed, angry, really angry after those words had ‘slipped’ the Angel in his supposedly last moments.  
The Hunter had been annoyed, frustrated and in rage for days, avoiding his best buddy for weeks after that…

 _Gentle hands moved along the Human’s frame, worshipping his physics inch by inch… while the deep blue eyes locked with the Hunter’s green somehow worshipped his whole Existence._  
_And it still felt odd, although he, they were getting better at it._  
_Giving, and taking._

It had taken so much time to get back close, to overwrite the memory of that day and have Dean accept Castiel within his more personal life again.  
A burden he had called him then…, questioning why he had to break what they had have…  
And Castiel had needed long to really understand…

 _Every touch is a Prayer, every kiss silent hope to be heard._  
_“please…”_  
_The gasp is barely more than a whisper and still like a brutal cry in an empty church, disturbing the sublime surrounding._  
_“…more…”_

Till this day the older Winchester sometimes was wary around him from time to time, somehow expecting the second shoe to drop, the heaven to fall and the earth to open up, to swallowing down and burn the bit of peace that Dean had dared to admit to.  
It would be painful, if Castiel wouldn’t know the live they share, if he wouldn’t understand the constant consequences they all were forced to face.

 _Being compliant is not one of his many incredible strengths and the slight blush when he is following so easy is nothing less than the greatest, most honorable award possible._  
_Castiel knows that and he holds it dear, precious, protects it in any way he can, in any way he is ordered too, drinking the Human’s subtle praise from the willingly, slightly parted lips._

They had fought about/over it, and Dean had not held back, his burning anger coming from a deeply rooted fear of loss which he had learned about over all of his years.  
He had screamed over his loneliness, had punched in his helplessness and frustration for being left over and over, and over again.  
Dean had hit his Angel, not holding back until his hands had been swollen, his knuckles been bloody, his fingers broken and sore..., as he had admitted under heated tears, that he had always known…

 _His breath is shaky, and he tenses a bit at the breach, always does when this lost in sensation._  
_Dean does not share that part of him, can not, will not, ever, allow this for himself._  
_“…yes…” He screams in complete silence, trusting to be held and captured when he falls._

Castiel had learned that Dean was tired, just walking on, waiting for his end, walking on, in that never ending circle he had no say in after all. This never ending circle of repeating what had been trained, raised into him…, just repeating the same mistakes again and again to protect those he felt forced to care for.  
His hands had clawed at/in Castiel’s coat as he had yelled at the Angel to stop it, to stop feeling, to stop worrying, to stop loosing and starting all over again…  
“Cas, I lose that battle… I can….not again, lose anyone…”

_He closes his eyes when he arches his back, hands tightly clenching into the sheets when his muscles tense. It never stops to amaze, leaving Castiel in awe and his grace in turmoil just being an accepted witness and even more so, being an active part of this…_

“I am bad luck… I am a curse!” He states no matter how much Castiel tries to deny and convince Dean otherwise.  
“Everything, everyone I touch will die… Don’t do that…, never….”  
“I need you, I need you Cas…” *…to keep me sane* remains unspoken.  
They can not cross that line, the Angel knows, understands that he would always have to keep it a secret, his want, his only desire being an impossible one.

 _A fragile Dream, it’s what it is._  
_Gently he touches the Human’s face, needing to make sure that Dean is there, calm, peaceful and relaxed, but real, solid and warm, still alive._  
_Castiel needs to feel the forbidden sensation of flesh, of heat and soft lips although they are still joined._  
_It is a risk, the Angel is aware, every time his mind is drifting, getting lost in that dangerous believe that this could be real._  
_And once more he smiles down with his lips slightly moving, threatening to give those forbidden words._

\----------

_Dean’s eyes are wide in panic, desperate, as he shakes his head,…in silence pleading with his hand held up in an urgent defense…_

_*Don’t say it!* He begs without a say…_

__

_…only slowly Castiel dares an apologetic smile…_

__

_*I love you.*_  
_He simply thinks instead…_  
_…not, never wanting to break the spell they currently live under._

__

__

End

__


End file.
